its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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