Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
