After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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