she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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