and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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