She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize