One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
