I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
