FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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