We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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