Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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