Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
