i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
