my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
