ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
