I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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