Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dick very happy bro
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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