True but thats because hes a fetus.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
