I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
