Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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