I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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