So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
