New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
