guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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