The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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