I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
