even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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