but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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