Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
