The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
