She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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