Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
