paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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