I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
