I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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