idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
COCAINE IS GR8
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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