creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize