I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
