Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
