By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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