so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
