R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
BRING THE BAGELS
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
