found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
