I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
