Whatcha textin bout Willis?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
