I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize