Need sex. Gaining weight.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
