Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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