All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
