im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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