Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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