Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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