I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize
