I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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