just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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