Will you blow on my dice?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
