Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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