I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Someone shattered a urinal.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
