its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
