He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
