My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
