So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
