you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
