Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
