I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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