you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
