Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
